


Insomnia, My Friend

by Starlight1395



Series: My Dear Friend [1]
Category: Day6 (Band), Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Chan is overworked, Depression, Gen, Graphic Self Harm, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Mental Illness, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Mentions of past self harm, lots of blood, poor stress coping mechanism, unintentional suicide attempt, worried day6 hyungs, worried stray kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-07-25 10:45:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16195964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: Chan was tired, but he couldn't sleep. He was losing weight, but couldn't be bothered to eat. He was producing another album, even though everyone asked him to rest.He needed to distract himself from his self destructive thoughts, so he threw himself into his work without realizing that if you fill a bottle too much and shake it, the bottle is going to explode.Jae sees Chan self destructing and does everything in his power to keep his little brother sane. With the help of his Day6 hyungs, Chan has to learn how to trust others and let them help him in turn.





	1. Chapter 1

Chan stared at his computer screen. The others were supposed to have gone to bed three hours and seventeen minutes ago, but there he was still working.

Working was a generous description of what he was doing. He was staring at his computer, trying to make sense of the program in front of him. His notebook was a mess of scribbles, half the lines starting in koran and ending in some barely legible English - the lines that made sense anyway. Half of what he had written was absolute gibberish, not a single concrete sentence in any of the ramblings.

He didn’t even notice the tears running down his face until the ink in his notebook started to run. He blinked, causing even more water to fall onto the paper.

Chan took a deep breath and pushed away from the computer. He walked down the empty, dark hallway to the bathroom, where the motion sensor turned on and momentarily blinded him.

“Fuckin ‘ell…” He cursed under his breath as his sore eyes adjusted to the sudden light. He quickly went to the bathroom - the copious amounts of coffee and monster were killing his stomach. He knew he needed to drink more water but he never had the chance to seeing how there was always some sort of caffeinated beverage in his hand at almost all times - before going over to the sink.

Chan looked at himself in the mirror with disgust. He had lost so much weight that he almost didn’t recognize himself. The fluorescent lights made his already pale skin seem even paler - sickly almost. The bags under his eyes were a nasty shade of purple, and even his lips were turning pale. Overall, he looked like crap.

He splashed cold water on his face, letting his wrists cool under the running water. He saw the faint lines there and bit his lip. He knew the others noticed, but he was also thankful none of them brought it up. They all had things in their past that they weren’t proud of, and he wouldn’t force any of the others to talk before they were ready.

His phone chimed with a text from Woojin.

_“Please come home. You’re overworking yourself again.”_

_“I’ll be back soon. Just gotta finish this last thing.”_

He was lying. He wasn’t going to be home soon, nor was he going to finish what he was working on. He was stuck. No matter how much he tried, the track just didn’t sound right. No matter how much he tried, he just couldn’t fall asleep.

When he wrote the base lyrics for Insomnia, everyone had been worried. They knew their leader had trouble sleeping, but they never thought it was that bad.

Little did they know, half the time when Chan went to bed, he ended up staring at the wall until a time that he could finally get up and get work done. He never told them though.

The last thing he wanted to do was be a bother.

Woojin sent a thumbs up and a promise to smack him if he comes home too late. Chan smiled at his phone, once again thinking that he didn’t deserve his friends.

Chan walked back to his desk and looked at his screen. It was an even bigger mess than before. Any semblance of sense that he might have been able to make from the bullshit on the program was gone, leaving nothing but absolute nonsense in its wake. He growled and threw the computer mouse, the wireless device flying across the room and landing with a satisfying crack.

He instantly realized what he had done and groaned, running his hand through his hair. That was going to be fun to explain to his manager. ‘Why do you need a new mouse Chris?’ ‘Oh well because I’m a fucking piece of shit who lost my temper and threw it across the room maybe’. He was sure that would go over really well.

Knowing there was nothing else he could do, Chan saved and closed the program, putting the screen on sleep mode because he knew he’d be back soon. He felt his body reject the movement and thought maybe - just maybe - he would be able to fall asleep. He stumbled over to the couch that came with the room and collapsed heavily. Every inch of him seemed to scream from the overexertion. He had only managed maybe an hour a night for the last four days, not that he was trying very hard.

Chan closed his eyes and tried to let his mind relax, but his thoughts were running a million miles an hour, as usual. He turned over and buried his face in the pillow, but there was no escape from his mind. He angily sat up and threw the pillow in the same spot the broken mouse was. He rubbed the frustrated tears from his eyes and checked the time. It was only two in the morning. He had at least five hours before anyone was going to be up - five hours to waste and think of a good excuse for not coming back to the dorms again.

Knowing trying to sleep was fruitless, he decided to use his time. He changed right there in the room, having stashed several outfits in the drawer for these exact moments. He was less comfortable wearing the basketball shorts and the tank top, but he was sated knowing no one would be at the gym at this time.

The walk to the gym was excruciating. His muscles were already screaming from too much work and not enough rest, but if he rested for too long his thoughts would get loud again. He needed to stop the thoughts from getting loud before they even started. It was the only way to stay sane.

To stay safe.

He was right. The gym was completely deserted. There wasn’t even a worker in sight. He sighed and flicked on the light before heading to the weights area.

He knew weight lifting was bad for him, especially as tired and weak as he was, but he wanted to see some progress. There was no progress with the song.

There was no progress with sleeping. He could see progress in his body if he worked out and ate less.

It wasn’t until the doors opened that Chan realized he had lost track of time. Again.

“Chris?” It was Jae. Chan didn’t really get the chance to interact with his brother bands as much as he wanted to. He really looked up to Day6 and its members, but they went on tour almost as soon as Stray Kids got their footing. “How long have you been here? It’s almost seven in the morning.”

“It is?” His voice sounded far away. He dropped the weight heavily. His upper body was on fire. He had wanted to do some endurance training as well, but he lost track of time,

“Is everything alright?” The taller boy came over, looking concerned.

“I’m fine hyung.” Chan said in English, the words starting to feel foreign on his tongue. Sure he spoke English to Felix, and the others where he was trying to help them learn the language, but 90% of his day - thoughts and dreams included - tended to be in Korean. His own native language was feeling alien to him.

“Chris, how long have you been here?” Jae sounded more than concerned. Was he scared?

“I don’t remember.” He responded, trying to push past the guitarist. It should have been easy - Jae was taller but Chan had twice his muscle mass - but he found he wasn’t able to push past the older boy.

“I don’t think so kiddo,” Jae said firmly. Chan wouldn’t remember the last time he heard Jae sound so serious. “I’m- let’s get breakfast. You probably have an early practice, am I right?”

“Not early… it’s at ten.” Chan’s mouth felt like it was filled with cotton.

“That’s pretty early for me,” Jae chuckled, trying to make the boy smile but it didn’t work. “Let’s get breakfast. You look like you’re about to pass out… how are your arms so beefy but your face so thin?”

“Huh?”

“Nevermind kid, let’s go. It’s my treat,” Jae slung an arm around Chan’s shoulders easily. “Just don’t tell anyone or else they’ll think I’ll buy them food too.”

“Can I change? I feel gross.” In more ways than one.

“Sure, you have clothes here?”

“In the studio.”

“Lead the way.”

* * *

  
Jae was worried. He could see how skinny Chan was getting. He knew Chan was an adult - the second oldest in his band and their leader - but he was obviously not taking care of himself. When they got to his studio, Chan changed without seeming to care Jae was still standing there, and the older boy could see just how thin the younger boy had gotten. His ribs were visible and his hands shook painfully.

He was silent through breakfast, only picking at his food. Jae wanted to say something, but everytime he tried it was if the words died in his throat.

“I have to get to practice,” Chan said quietly. “Thank you for breakfast hyung. I really appreciate you caring about my wellbeing.”

“If you ever need a break come find me, yeah?” Jae offered, noting a spark pass through Chan’s eyes for a brief moment before it was gone again “We just finished our tour so we’re pretty free now. I’ll always make time for my little brothers.”

“Thanks hyung.” Chan left before he could tear up. Jae looked at the almost full plate and sighed.

* * *

  
Chan stared at Felix in horror. He hadn’t meant to snap at the boy, but he was just so tired and the freckled boy had been goofing off just a little too much.

“Harsh Chan.” Woojin said, breaking the silence. He glanced over at the older boy, who was looking at him with a frown before looking back at Felix and felt his chest hurt. A single tear was running down his tanned cheek, his brown eyes wide and scared.

“Fuck, Felix I’m sorry-” He tried to say but Changbin pushed him out of the way.

“Haven’t you done enough?” The shorter rapper said before turning his attention to Felix. Chan looked around the practice room and saw the various looks of disappointment and anger from his band members and felt like he suddenly couldn’t breathe.

Without another word, Chan ran from the room.

No one called after him.

He ran to his studio, knowing it was one of the few rooms in the building with a working lock. He slammed the door and locked it, leaning heavily against the wood and sliding down to sit on the floor, back against the world.

Chan cried. Everything was coming out all at once. His exhaustion, his self doubt… was he really fit to be a leader? Woojin was older and more patient with the younger boys. They treated him with more respect…

What was he doing here? Why did he even leave Australia? If he had stayed, he could have actually gone to collage. Maybe he could have done rapping on his own and made a name for himself - alone. He was better off alone. He couldn’t hurt anyone if he was alone.

“Chris? Can you let me in?” A knock came from the door, scaring Chan a little.

“Go away hyung.” He sniffled, scrubbing at his face.

“Come on kid. Unlock the door and talk to me.” Jae wasn’t going to stop pestering the boy until he opened up. Chan sighed and stood slowly. He undid the lock and cracked the door open just enough for the older boy to slip in. He quickly closed the door again, barely catching a glimpse of two figures still in the hall.

“You don’t have to bother,” Chan said, his voice monotone and raspy. “I’m fine.”

“Doesn’t seem like you’re fine,” Jae said bluntly. “People don’t run through the halls crying if they’re fine.”

“I snapped at Felix.” Chan’s English sounded gruffer than his Korean.

“What happened?”

“He was goofing around and… I was really harsh. He was just messing around but I needed him to focus and he wasn’t listening to me and I just… snapped.” He buried his face in his hands, tears leaking out again.

“Did something happen with you?” Jae knew Chan. He knew Chan was a kind, caring leader who would give his members anything he could. Hearing that he snapped at Felix - one of the members he seemed the closest to - sounded off.

“I… I’m just really tired hyung…” He couldn’t fight back a sob that ripped through his chest. He was so tired he wanted to die. “Everything fucking hurts… it hurts to even breathe sometimes...and I’m just so fucking tired…”

“Did you sleep last night?”

“I haven’t been able to sleep in weeks!” He yelled, abruptly standing up and pacing the room. Jae stayed on the couch and watched the younger boy angrily tug at his hair. “I haven't gotten more than an hour a night! I work and I work and I work and when I finally have time to sleep I can’t! No one… no one even cares… they see how tired I am but they just ignore it…” He wrapped his arms around his chest and let the tears fall again. It felt good to cry - he hadn’t cried really since Felix and Minho had been brought back. He was releasing all the emotions that he had been bottling up.

“You know that’s not true,” Jae said gently, the voice of reason. “They notice, but how do you talk to someone you look up to about something like this?”

“I…” Chan didn’t have an answer.

“Exactly. Come here kid,” he gestured for Chan to sit next to him on the couch. The boy hesitated before collapsing heavily. He leaned into Jae’s thin frame and let the guitarist wrap his arms around him. “You’re too hard on yourself. You’re… you’re just a kid still. It’s okay to have off days and take time for yourself when things get too much. Sure, you’re a leader. No one expects you to hold the weight of the world though. They’re still your members, and they want to be able to help you as much as you help them.”

“I’m too young to be this sad.” Chan whispered brokenly.

“You can’t give into the sadness, you hear me?” Jae held the boy closer. He had heard similar things from his own band members but this almost hurt more because Chan was so young. He had just barely turned 21, and yet he had the careers of eight others resting on him. No wonder he can’t sleep.

“It’s so hard sometimes,” Chan was out of tears it seemed. He just felt empty now. “It’s so hard to stay strong. There are so many times I just want to give in… it would be so easy to get trashed or hurt myself or just… end it all. God, I thought I was better but I’m still broken! The therapy did nothing!”

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay to feel down, as long as you don’t give in. There’s no clean way to recover from something like that. There’s no… magic pill that you take once and you’re cured. It takes years of working at it, and it takes stumbling here and there. You aren’t broken. This is just a stumble.”

“I want to hurt myself hyung,” Chan whimpered, finally admitting out loud the thought that had been haunting him for months. “I- I haven’t had the urges in years but it’s so bad right now… I’m so fucked up…”

“First thing, never say that about yourself again,” Jae said, sounding more serious than Chan had ever heard him sound before. “You are not fucked up. You’re not broken. You’re not some hopeless case. You have some things you need to work through but that’s not your fault. You can’t keep blaming yourself.”

“Hyung…”

“No, I’m talking now. You listen. Secondly, you’re not allowed to do this alone anymore. I’m going to make sure my guys have an eye out for you and you aren’t allowed to lie to us okay?”

“I don’t wanna be a bother…” Chan sniffled, partly feeling better and partly feeling worse for suddenly unloading on the older boy.

“You could literally never be a bother,” He ran his fingers through Chan’s hair and smiled a little at how the boy seemed to lean into the touch. “Now, you’re coming back with me.”

“Where?”

“To the dorm. You need rest and I want to be able to keep an eye on your for a little longer. You really worried me kid.”

“I’m sorry Jae… thanks for understanding.”

“Anytime Chris. Now come on, I can probably smuggle you out of the building if we go out the back.”

* * *

  
“He’s lost so much weight.” Brian said softly. When Jae and Chan made it to the Day6 dorms, the elder instantly pulled the younger onto his bed, where Chan instantly fell asleep against Jae’s chest. Jae remembered when Wonpil had trouble sleeping - holding him was the only way for him to get any rest.

“They’re putting out another album this month,” Jae said, pulling a blanket up over Chan’s shoulders. “The kid said he hasn’t slept more than an hour a night.”

“They’re working him too hard.”

“I don’t think it’s the company,” Jae shook his head gently. “He’s using work to distract himself from his own problems. From what he told me, it sounds like insomnia and depression, possibly more.”

“Fuck man…” Brian sat on the edge of the bed and watched Chan’s chest rise and fall steadily.

The boy looked like crap. Brian hadn’t seen his brother band since they got back from tour, and the boy in front of him looked nothing like the smiling Aussie that cheered for them before they left. His cheeks had sunken in and his jaw was worryingly sharp. The bruises under his eyes looked tattooed on and his lips were pale. Overall, he looked like death warmed over and it worried the older idols.

“Hey, have either of you seen Bangchan? Apparently he stormed out of practice and no one knows where he is-” Sungjin poked his head in the room and stopped when he saw the other boys. He instantly took in the small boy wrapped in Jae’s arms and nodded. “He’s okay. Yeah, don’t worry.” He lifted the phone in his hand back to his ear and left the room again.

“What are we going to do? He can’t be alone if he’s feeling suicidal.”

“I don’t know… all we can really do right now is let him rest. Hopefully some sleep will help him, then we can focus on actually getting him through this.”

* * *

  
“Are you alright?” Changbin asked Felix, who was looking at the floor sadly. He didn’t even turn when he heard Chan run from the practice room. His attention was solely on his friend, who still had tears running down his cheeks.

“He shouldn’t have said that.” Woojin came over, placing a soft hand on Felix’s shoulder, but the younger boy just shook it off.

“That’s… that’s not why I’m crying.” He said, scrubbing at his face.

“Did something else happen?” Minho joined in, more concerned than before. They teased Felix for being emotional, but it was all in good fun. Seeing the younger boy so obviously distressed told everyone something was really, really wrong.

“I feel so stupid…” He muttered, scrunching his face in a mix of anger and sadness.

“You were just messing around,” Jisung chimed in. “You’re not stupid. Hyung was the one that was out of line-”

“You’re all stupid too!” Felix yelled, causing everyone to take a step back. “We let things get bad again! When was the last time Chan hyung snapped at any of us?” That made everyone pause. It had been so long since anyone saw their leader even so much as raise his voice at them.

“Back during the show?” Seungmin offered hesitantly.

“That was because he was stressed and suicidal though- oh…. fuck.” Jisung’s large eyes widened even more when he realized what he had been implying.

“You don’t think he’s in that place again, do you?” Jeongin asked quietly.

“Why else would he have yelled at me?” Felix was shaking. He didn’t want to be right, but it was looking as though he was.

“We have to find him.” Changbin sounded choked. They paused only a moment before rushing out the door.

Felix couldn’t stop the tears from running down his face. All he could imagine was what could happen to Chan if they didn’t find him in time.

Chan dangling from a rod, face blue and mouth twisted.

Chan bleeding out, wrists open and skin pale.

Chan throwing up hundreds of pills before collapsing.

Chan stepping off a ledge, falling out of their fingers and hitting the ground with a sickening splat.

Chan dying and dying and dying and leaving them and dying and leaving and leaving them all behind. Felix tripped and fell on the sidewalk, cutting up his knees in the process. He stayed kneeling on the concrete, sobbing into his hands. It wasn’t until someone came up to him and placed a hand on his back before he realized his surroundings.

“Felix-ah?” A familiar voice got his attention.

“Sungjin hyung?” he hiccuped, letting the older boy help him to his feet.

“Holy shit are you okay?” Sungjin sounded worried. Felix buried his face in the older boy’s shoulder and sobbed.

“Chan hyung is missing and something bad is going to h-happen if we don’t find him.”

“Chan?” Sungjin’s English wasn’t bad, but it was hard to understand through the crying. “Let me call the dorm. Maybe someone saw him.”

“Hyung?” Dowoon picked up the phone.

“Have you seen Bangchan anytime recently?” He asked, holding Felix in one arm and his phone with the other.

“Not since we got back. Why?”

“He’s missing and I ran into Felix. He thinks something bad is going to happen if he doesn’t find him.”

“Ask Jae hyung maybe. He was talking about Chan the other day.”

“Alright, I will.” He hung up and turned his attention to the boy.

“Hyung, what if we’re too late?” He sniffled, his eyes swollen from crying.

“Don’t think like that,” Sungjin lightly scolded the boy. “Let’s get you back to your members. I’ll keep an eye out and call if I see anything, okay?”

“Alright...” Felix sounded miserable and it broke the older boy’s heart. They walked back to the building in silence, only broken by a faint whimper from the freckled boy.

God, how was this kid so damn small?

Sungjin hoped everything would work out for them. He made his way back to his own dorm, his mind filled with thoughts and concerns. His phone rang as he was entering the dorm and he recognized the number as one of the managers from the company.

“Sungjun, Felix said he ran into you.” He manager said, sounding tense.

“Ah, yeah I said I would keep an eye out for Chan if I saw him,” He entered the dorm and heard voices coming from Jae’s room. “Hold on, let me ask. Hey, have either of you seen Bangchan? Apparently he stormed out of practice and no one knows where he is-”

He stopped abruptly when he saw the boy in question resting peacefully in Jae’s arms. Jae and Brian both turned to look at him and silently shushed him. He nodded and carefully let himself out. “He’s okay.”

“Is he with you?”

“Yeah, don’t worry. He’s sleeping now, and we’ll take care of him when he wakes up.”

“Let him rest for now… he’s been trying to hide it but we know he isn’t sleeping well,” The manager sounded sad. “Just… let us know how he is.”

“I will, don’t worry.”

“Thank you, for taking care of him.”

“He’s family,” Sungjin felt his chest warm. “We take care of family.”

“If you need anything- if he needs anything… let me know okay? We just want him to be safe.”

“I will.”

“Thank you Sungjin.You have no idea what it means to us that you’re looking out for our boy.” The manager hung up, leaving Sungjin alone, confused and scared.


	2. Chapter 2

Chan woke up feeling groggy and disoriented. His eyes felt heavy and his head was stuffed with cotton. He sat up and stared at the wall across from him for a few seconds before he realized something pretty important.

He didn’t remember where he was.

Before he could start panicking, Wonpil walked into the room and he was hit with the events from the day before. He snapped at Felix, ran away, was found by Jae and brought back to his dorm. Wonpil sat next to him on the bed, the mattress dipping and causing Chan’s too thin frame to slide into Wonpil’s a little.

“Good morning sunshine,” Wonpil grinned. “You’ve been out for a while. Hyung told me to come in and see if you were awake for breakfast- well, lunch really.”

“Lunch? What time is it?” Chan asked himself more than the other idol.

“Almost two. You’ve been asleep for almost fourteen hours. We were joking you were in a coma, but we knew you needed the rest.”

“F-fourteeen hours?” Chan choked on his own spit in shock. Even before he was an insomniac, Chan only slept seven hours a night, if that. The only time he got anywhere close to fourteen hours was when he was sick and slept for twelve. “Oh my god my members must be worried sick-”

“They know you’re here. Your manager called Jinnie hyung and he told them you were okay and resting. They said to let you sleep as long as we can,” Wonpil’s smile faded a little. “It’s rough, working yourself to the bone but not being able to sleep in the end. I’m not even a dancer, so I can’t imagine how hard it’s been on you…”

“I’m fine,” he said, rubbing his eyes roughly. “I just let things overwhelm me a little sometimes.”

“He’s awake.” Jae stated as he peaked his head in the door.

“Morning hyung.” Chan said, feeling embarrassed for some reason.

“Pillie-ya, why don’t you check on Dowoon and breakfast? I’m sure he’d like some company.” Jae suggested, but it was clear it was more of an order than a suggestion. Wonpil just nodded and left, not before gently ruffling the top of Chan’s head.

“Hey hyung.” Chan said softly once Wonpil left the room. Jae replaced the other man on the bed and Chan let himself fell into the guitarist’ side.

“How are you feeling?” Jae asked, trying his hardest not to sound like he was worried. Which he was. He and the others spent hours trying to think of a way to help Chan. They couldn’t out him for being suicidal because that could make things even more dangerous. Sungjin reminded them that JYP actually had a mental health consultant on staff, but Brian pointed out that Chan would have to want to go himself. They couldn’t exactly force the kid and keep a clear conscious.

“Weird,” Chan answered honestly. “I can’t really remember the last time I slept so long.”

“Your body needed it. Think of it as catching up for the last few weeks.”

“You should have woken me up,” Chan felt frustrated. Not with Jae, but with himself. He slept for fourteen hours, which means he fell behind in his work already.

“No can do captain. If anything, I wanted to sleep a little longer.” Jae tried to keep his voice light hearted, but some of his worry managed to slip through.

“I should be getting back,” Chan said hesitantly. “I have to catch up on what I’m missing-”

“The other boys have the day off too,” Jae quickly interrupted. “So you’re not missing anything, and you have no reason to rush off. Your members know you’re safe, and I want you to stay for lunch.”

“O-oh, okay.” Chan wasn’t used to Jae being so… hyung like. The older boy was usually so laid back and playful, Chan sometimes forgot how much older he was.

“Good! Now come on, I’m starving.”

* * *

  
“Chan, I know you aren’t going to like this but we need to talk.” Jae said quietly. After lunch, the other four members of Day6 had to leave for various reasons that were hastily thrown over their shoulders as they rushed through the front door.

“I figured this was coming.” Chan wasn’t upset. As a leader, he understood the importance of communication, no matter how uncomfortable it could be.

“You’re a smart kid,” Jae pulled him to the couch and sat him down. “You want anything to drink? Tea? Coffee? We might have some soda in the fridge.”

“Coffee,” Chan said without thinking, but seeing the look from Jae he changed his mind. “Um, tea sounds nice. Thank you hyung.”

“I’m not trying to scold you, but if you don’t take care of yourself, who’s gonna take care of the others?” Jae said as he went to the kitchen. Chan didn’t follow but he could still hear the older idol talking. “Coffee is good, but if that’s all you drink you’re going to kill your organs. You really need to drink more water kid. Drink this while the kettle is boiling.” Jae came back with a glass of water and handed it to Chan, who took it without word.

Chan took a sip and was suddenly hit with how thirsty he was. Without thinking, the drained the glass. Jae easily took it and replaced it with another full glass which he gulped slightly slower

“I feel like I’m gonna explode…” Chan muttered after finishing the second glass in under a minute.

“When was the last time you drank water just to drink water? Not because you were practicing?” Chan made a face that told Jae everything he needed to know. “You know, if you keep yourself hydrated and eat things that aren’t crap, it really does help with energy and stuff. It might even help you sleep better.”

“I know, I just… forget. I’m so busy that things get away from me.” Chan admitted, looking off to the side.

“I know kid, but you gotta make an effort to take care of yourself… I look at you and it scares me because you wouldn’t be the first idol to die from stress… and you wouldn’t be the last.”

“If I died, it probably wouldn’t be from stress.” Chan said without thinking. He quickly followed up his morbid statement with a chuckle, in hopes that maybe the older boy would think it was a joke. Judging by the look on Jae’s face, he wasn’t fooled.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” he wasn’t cutting any corners. “Back in your studio, you said therapy didn’t help. What did you mean by that?”

“Back home, before I came to Korea, I had really bad depression. Believe it or not, there weren’t many asian kids in Australia. At least not at my school. Kids can be cruel hyung… My mom sent me to this place right outside of town and they helped. I started to feel better. They gave me ways to cope with the urges and the bad thoughts. When I moved, I thought I would be alright. I had all the information they gave me, and it helped back home so I figured I would be fine. Unfortunately, the kids here were even more cruel than the ones back home. They would say anything they could think of to get under my skin… It wasn’t until I started finding my members that I felt the slightest bit okay.

“During the show things got bad again. I thought we were safe- that the nine of us would be a happy family. Then he started eliminating them. Minho first, then Felix. I felt my world crumbling around me. It was all my fault… if I had been a better leader maybe none of that would have happened. If I had worked harder, if I had paid attention and saw they were having trouble. I knew Felix was struggling with Korean, but I didn’t help him enough… The only thing that kept me going was the others. If I did anything to myself then, well, what would they do? That was my driving thought I guess. After we debuted, I thought things would stay good, and they did for a while. I don’t really remember when things started to go wrong. Suddenly, little negative thoughts were being spat at me. The little voice told me I wasn’t good enough, talented enough, handsome enough. I ignored it as best as I could. I found if I threw myself into work that I could ignore the voice.” Chan trailed off, feeling exposed. He hadn’t talked to anyone since coming to Korea all those years ago, so suddenly spilling everything made him feel naked in front of Jae.

“Chan, first of all you’re not weak. Having those thoughts doesn’t make you weak. Fighting them makes you strong. Secondly, you don’t have to do this alone. You have your members, who I’m sure would do anything for you, and you have us now. You don’t have to bottle things up anymore.” Jae rubbed Chan’s back soothingly. The two sat in silence for a moment before the shrill screaming of the tea kettle made them both jump.

“Thanks hyung.” Chan said softly as the older boy went to make their tea.

“No problem Chris,” Jae smiled, his eyes turning up. “Anything for a brother”

* * *

  
“You can do this.” Chan said to himself as he stared at the familiar dorm door. He unlocked the door, mentally praising the boys for remembering to lock it before letting himself in. He relocked the door and slid his sneakers off before going to the kitchen.

“Hey hyung,” Jeongin said normally as he dug through the fridge. Chan saw the youngest freeze and try to stand up so quickly that he slammed his head on the fridge ceiling. “Shit, hyung! You’re back!”

Chan didn’t even have the energy to scold the boy for cursing. He just nodded and offered the boy a tired smile.

“Are you okay? We were so worried when you left yesterday-” Jeongin started rambling, throwing himself into Chan’s arms.

“I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

“Chan hyung is back!” Seungmin stood at the mouth of the kitchen, calling over his shoulder. Instantly, the sound of a stampede filled the dorm and Chan felt arms hugging him from every angle.

“I’m sorry.” Jisung sobbed, burying his face in Chan’s back.

“Why are you sorry Sunggie?” Chan felt himself laugh a little.

“We didn’t notice you getting bad again.” Felix said miserably.

“We should have been there for you.” Hyungjin sounded suspiciously teary as well.

“What do you mean?”

“You only ever snapped as us when you were depressed and…” Woojin couldn’t bring himself to say it. Chan felt his face pale.

“You knew?” He could feel his pulse in his ears.

“We see your arm Chan hyung… we knew something was up. Especially after Felix’s elimination.” Changbin said softly.

“But you never seemed to act like you were bothered so we didn’t want to bring it up. We hoped that maybe… it was a past thing, and that you were happy now.” Jeongjin sounded like a kicked puppy.

“I am happy-” Chan started to say but everyone knew it was a lie. “I’m happy when I’m with you guys. I’m happy that we debuted and that we have people that love and support us. Sometimes I feel bad but that’s not your fault.”

“We still should have done something,” Felix’s voice was deep. “You’re our leader, so we didn’t want to step on any toes, but we should have said... something.”

“I’m sorry for making you all feel bad.” Chan’s chest felt tight.

“You’re not allowed to apologize!” Minho pouted, causing everyone to laugh a little.

“Why don’t we order out? I think we all deserve a little treat.” Chan offered, and the kitchen erupted in cheers.

* * *

  
“Hyung… can I ask you something that might be bad?” Jisung’s voice was barely audible. Chan looked up to the younger rapper and nodded. “Not here… I don’t want the others to hear.”

“Wanna go to the park? It’s not too late.” Chan stood when Jisung nodded. The two slipped on their shoes and walked towards the small park outside the dorms. During the day it was pretty crowded, but after sunset it was deserted.

“Don’t be mad at me,” Jisung started. They were sitting on the wood chips under the rock climbing wall. “And… you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“What’s wrong Jisungie?” Chan asked, trying to sound as comforting as possible. Jisung bit his bottom lip before responding.

“Hyung… why do you hurt yourself?” he asked softly. Chan felt ice shoot through his veins for a moment, the question catching him off guard.

“I- I…”

“You don’t have to answer,” Jisung rubbed his face roughly. “I just… lately, it feels like there’s a flood inside of me and no matter what I do I can’t seem to make it go away. It’s like… there’s this pressure in me that won’t stop getting worse. I try dancing, and working out. I’ve tried writing songs and playing video games but I still feel like I’m suffocating. I… I tried looking up other ways to make it stop. I was hoping maybe there was some workout that would help or something but I found something else…” he trailed off but Chan knew exactly what he was implying and that scared the older boy more than anything.

“Jisung, trust me when I say it’s not worth it,” Chan said quietly after a moment of silence. “You think it helps, but it keeps spiraling out of control until it controls you. I’ve been clean for almost three years and I still get the urges to hurt myself. Three years later. I’ve been told once you start, it never really stops. You can be a decade clean and you could still feel that… itch.”

“Hyung, I’m really scared,” Jisung sounded so young. “I saw that and I… I really wanted to try it… I really, really wanted to see if it would help...”

“You can’t,” Chan sat up and faced Jisung, who wouldn’t look him in the eye. The younger rapper was crying, his nose red and cheeks tacky. “Please, Jisung promise me you won’t ever try it. I know it looks like an escape but it’s… it’s just another way to chain yourself up.”

“Why did you stop?” Jisung still won’t look at him.

“Because I found something worth living for,” Chan said, making Jisung look him in the eyes. “Because I found something worth staying and working towards. I found you guys, and I realized I needed to stick around for you.”

“If you didn’t find us, or if we didn’t debut… would you still be here?”

“I…” Chan wasn’t expecting that. He thought about it for a moment before answering honestly. “I don’t think so Jisung. I really don’t. You… you and the others. You saved my life. I could never thank you enough for that.”

“Please don’t leave us hyung.” Jisung threw himself into Chan’s arms, knocking them both over. Jisung sobbed into Chan’s chest as the elder held him closely. Jisung continued to babble, begging Chan not to leave, and it broke Chan’s heart.

Did they really think he was going to leave them?

“Come on Sungie, it’s getting late and I can feel you shivering.” Chan nudged Jisung, who hesitantly sat up. His face was a mess, his eyes swollen and red and his nose dripping. He rubbed his eyes with his sleeve and sniffled.

“Can you stay with me tonight?” he asked, sounding like a child. It made Chan’s heart clench.

“Of course,” he helped Jisung stand. “My bed is big enough for the both of us.”

They made their short walk back to the dorm in silence. By the time they got in and took off their shoes, they realized the lights were off and the rooms were silent. Chan checked the clock and saw it was past midnight already. They silently got ready for bed and Chan watched Jisung wash his face with an odd feeling in his stomach.

This boy - the one that helped him write and produce the songs. The boy that always made the other members laugh. The boy that had half the fans enamored. He was hurting enough to think about hurting himself. Chan shuddered and prayed what he said was enough to get through to him.

They climbed into Chan’s bed, Chan with his back to the wall and Jisung curling into his chest. Chan pulled the boy closer and closed his eyes. He could feel Jisung’s breathing settle almost instantly, and knew the younger rapper was fast asleep in his arms. Chan figured he wouldn’t actually fall asleep, but wanted to savor how comfortable he was in that moment, with his friend safely in his arms.

Before he knew it, Chan was asleep too.

* * *

  
“Chan, we expected better from you.” Their manager was looking at him with such disappointment that the boy thought he was going to suffocate.

It had been a mistake. He had been doing a vlive while the others were out because he was in a good mood and wanted to talk to some Stays. He had a radio playing in the background, but he really wasn’t paying attention to music. He was having a good time answering questions in the chat and giving away subtle spoilers that no one would notice until their comeback started.

He noticed some upset comments and instantly frowned. He turned and tried to listen to the song that was playing. He had never heard it before, but he instantly knew why people were upset. The singer was saying awful things.Really awful things, using slur after slur after slur. Chan almost threw his phone in an attempt to shut the radio off. He quickly ended the stream and sat in shocked silence for a moment before the management came storming in.

It took all of ten minutes for them to find out.

“I swear I didn’t know it was playing!” Chan tried to defend himself. “I’ve never even heard that song before-”

“That doesn’t matter. If you’re going to play music, you have to make sure it’s appropriate. You never should have played the radio. If you get another chance, use a playlist.” The manager shook his head, frustrated. He knew Chan wasn’t a bad kid, but he still had to put out an apology, maybe even miss the next fan sign.

“If…?” Chan’s world was crashing down around him. He knew what happened to idols with scandals. They were pulled from promotions, kept in the back, called out years down the line and their scandals resurface over and over. He worked endlessly to make sure nothing happened to his boys, but he never double checked himself.

“I’m sorry Chan, but you have to write an apology,” The manager said sternly. “And if that’s not enough and the uppers think it’s warranted, you’ll be pulled from the next fanmeet.” Chan felt sick.

“Yes hyung,” he said faintly. “I understand. I’ll write an apology now. I’m sorry.”

“You’re a good kid Chan. Don’t let something like this happen again.” His manager sighed and left Chan alone in his studio.

Chan went to his computer and brought up a new document. He stared at the blinking cursor for a moment before letting his fingers move on their own.

“I, Bang Chan of Stray Kids, would like to apologize for my carelessness earlier today. During a vlive, a very inappropriate song was playing, and I should have never let that happen. I apologize to any fans that were upset by my carelessness and I promise I will be more careful in the future to prevent anything similar from happening. Stays are the most important thing to me next to my members, and upsetting them is the last thing I ever wanted to do.”

He emailed the short apology to his manager and sat back in his chair. Bitter tears ran down his cheeks, but the situation hadn’t really set in yet. He opened his phone with numb fingers and went to twitter, onto the Stray Kids tag, where he was a regular. He adored seeing the memes and art the fans created of them.

Of course this was already blowing up. Most comments were defending him, saying how obvious it was that he was upset and frantic to turn it off. How it was obvious he didn’t do it on purpose and how they know Chan is a good person who would never listen to that kind of music. They cited his verses from 3racha and talked about all the good things he’s done, but it was the one or two comments that blamed him for being careless that got to him. He had been careless, and because of him his Stays were hurt.

Chan stood, throwing the chair back so it fell and walked over to the accent wall. While three walls were plain tan, one was brick - for the aesthetic. He wound back and slammed his fist into the brick, screaming as he felt his knuckles connect.

It wasn’t enough.

All the urges he had been fighting back for months came back stronger than ever, and Chan was too weak to ignore them. He went back to his desk and pulled out his pencil sharpener. He had thought of doing this countless times but always talked himself down before things got dangerous, but it was too late.

He crunched the cheap plastic under his heel and picked up the blade with shaking fingers. He ripped his sleeve up and pulled the metal through his skin without even a hesitation. There was no pain for a moment, but as soon as it hit Chan found himself sobbing.

_‘You brought a scandal to Stray Kids because you’re a worthless piece of shit. What kind of pathetic leader doesn’t even check the music he’s playing? The others are going to have to live with YOUR MISTAKE for the rest of THEIR careers. Do you really think they’d forgive you? They’re going to HATE YOU. They’re going to kick you out of the band, you worthless excuse of an idol. No one will ever forgive you. You’ve ruined EVERYTHING.’_

The voice continued to scream at him relentlessly.

He made five more deep lines before he realized what he had just done. Almost three and a half years, all for nothing. He screamed again, making one last deep gouge before dropping the bloody razor onto the floor. He stumbled back, his head feeling empty. There were black spots floating across his vision and he knew he went too far.

Without thinking, he used his broken hand to cover the cuts in a poor attempt to stem the bleeding. He shuffled from the studio, not bothering to close the door as he stumbled down the hall towards the one place he knew he was safe.

* * *

  
Jae thought he was going to throw up. He answered the frantic knocking at his dorm door thinking it was Dowoon who forgot his key again. When he opened the door, he saw something that would haunt his dreams for years.

Chan was pale as snow, even his lips blended in with his cheeks. His eyes held the only color, bright red and raining bitter tears. What make Jae gag was the sudden stench of metal. He looked down and saw Chan was drenched in blood, the crimson gushing from his arm down his legs and puddling onto the welcome mat.

“Fuck, get inside.” Jae said, or maybe yelled. He couldn’t even tell. He figured he yelled because Brian came rushing over.

“Oh my god…” The bassist said, his eyes widening and face paling.

“Move!” Jae screamed as he pulled Chan to the bathroom. He grabbed the nearest towel and wrapped it around Chan’s arm. Chan didn’t react. Jae desperately tried to stop the bleeding but he knew it was too much for him. He looked up and saw the others standing in the doorway, looking horrified.

“Hyung-” Dowoon choked on his words, looking like he was going to pass out.

“Someone call an ambulance,” Jae called out, not caring who did it. If Chan was going to live, he needed professional care. He pulled the soaked towel away and tried to assess the damage and felt bile rising in the back of his throat.

Seven deep cuts lined Chan’s muscular arm. The top three were shallower and had already started to clot, but the rest were still weeping crimson. Jae didn’t even know how someone as small as Chan could possibly have that much blood in him.

“They’re on their way.” Brian said, sounding faint. Jae looked at him briefly to nod, but when he turned back to Chan he saw the boy’s eyes were closed.

“Stay awake!” He used his free hand to slap Chan across the face. He didn’t mean to, but Jae smeared Chan’s own blood across his cheek. Chan’s eyes fluttered for a moment before closing again. “No! Keep your eyes open!” He slapped the boy again, this time even harder. Chan jerked awake, his eyes still heavy.

“Chris baby,” Brian’s soothing voice chimed in. He tried to sound soothing, but all Jae could hear was the raw fear behind his words. “Baby you have to stay awake okay? I know you’re tired, but you have to keep your eyes open for hyungs okay?”

“I fucked up…” Chan slurred, sounding drunk.

“It’s okay. We all make mistakes-”

“They’re going to kick me out of the band.” Chan started sobbing, the sudden movement causing the wounds to bleed more.

“What? They’re not going to kick you out Channie,” Jae tried to reason with him, but Chan was hysterical. He tried fighting off the older boy but it was useless. Chan was so weak he could barely lift a hand. “Chan, Chris look at me.”

Chan fought against Jae weakly, sobbing and pulling away. He felt his head being moved and found himself looking directly into Jae’s eyes.

“It’s going to be okay.” Jae said before Chan’s vision went black.

The boy went limp in Jae’s arms and the blond started freaking out even more. He heard sirens outside, and could see the lights bouncing through the windows. He frantically shook Chan in an attempt to wake him up, but Chan stayed limp

Like a doll.

Or a corpse.

Gloved hands gently pried Chan from Jae, who tried to fight back until he realized it was the paramedics. They strapped Chan onto a stretched and immediately put a oxygen mask over his face. They were yelling orders at each other as they rolled Chan out of the room but all Jae heard was static.

And just as suddenly, the dorm was silent. Jae sat on the floor of the bathroom, covered in blood. The spell was broken as soon as someone placed a hand on his cheek. He tried to stand, only to fall back down. His legs betrayed him by collapsing.

“Hyung, he’s going to be okay,” It was Brian. He sounded scared. “Get changed and wash your face, okay? We’ll go to the hospital and wait for news as soon as you’re clean.”

“We have to tell his members.” Jae said fainty.

“How are we supposed to tell a bunch of kids that their leader tried to…?” Sungjin trailed off. He felt so powerless. All he could do was stand there as Chan bled out in their bathroom. Chan wasn’t even his member, but he felt like a failure.

“What caused him to snap like that?” Wonpil asked. “He seemed to be doing better after last time…”

“Something happened with a vlive,” Dowoon said sadly. “See, it’s all over the internet right now.”

He handed around his phone, that already had an AllKpop article pulled up. The article didn’t paint him in great light, but the boys knew Chan, and they knew Chan would never do something to intentionally hurt others.

“Come on hyung, let’s get you cleaned up.” Brian said again, pulling Jae from the bloody bathroom with a careful hand.

* * *

  
“Has anyone seen Chan hyung?” Jisung was getting worried. Management had come in and confiscated all of their phones but didn’t offer any explanation. They managed to piece together that something had happened with Chan, but no one was answering their questions, which was making them more frustrated.

“I watched the beginning of his vlive before the movie started,” Seungmin said. “Everything seemed to be going okay. Do you think something happened after I logged out?”

“Maybe he’s just in his studio?” Changbin offered. “We all know how he loses track of time.”

“I’ll go check,” Felix offered. “I left my sweatshirt in the practice room so I was planning on going back anyway.”

“I’ll go with you.” Jisung chimed in. He didn’t want to say it outloud, but his gut told him something was wrong.

“Hurry back, okay?” Woojin said, taking over as temporary leader while Chan was gone. “It’s getting late and if something is wrong I want everyone together. We’re a team. We deal with any and all challenges together.”

“We’ll be quick hyung.” Jisung promised as they slipped out the door. They walked in silence, neither sure what to say.

“Do you think hyung is hurt?” Felix asked unsteadily.

“I… I don’t know. I really hope not… hopefully he really did just lose track of time and will be mad as us for interrupting his flow again.” Jisung offered his friend a not so convincing smile and they entered the building.

“I’ll run and get my jacket. You wanna check on Chan hyung?” Felix offered and Jisung nodded. Despite being the same age, the rapper still felt the urge to protect the dancer. If something was wrong… Jisung wanted to see it first.

He made the walk to the studios in silence, his footsteps echoing through the hallway eerily. Someone spilled something all over the floor, but it had already dried. Jisung grimaced and felt sorry for the custodians. He saw Chan’s door, but it was wide open.

That wasn’t right. Chan never left his door open.

Jisung felt something tightening in his lungs as he walked closer. He stood in the doorway and he felt as if the floor had been ripped out from under him.

Shaking legs brought him into the studio, carefully trying to step around the tacky puddles on the hardwood floors. The computer was still on, the screen glowing brightly in the dim room. The only document caught Jisung’s attention. He skimmed the paragraph and heaved. He hadn’t eaten yet so the only thing he had to show for it was some bitter saliva to spit out, but in his doubled over position he saw something on the floor.

In the biggest puddle of red - he realised then what the puddles really were - was a small rectangle, the silver barely showing through the browning blood.

“Hyung tried to kill himself.” Jisung whispered, feeling tears rolling down his face.

“Someone made a mess in the hall,” he heard Felix’s voice. He wanted to yell at the freckled boy to stay away but the words seemed frozen in his throat. “The janitor is going to have a field day when he sees-”

“Felix, don’t look.” Jisung tried to choke out, but it was too late.

“Oh my god… it’s blood?” Felix sounded like someone was holding a gun to his head.

“We have to tell the others…”

“Wh-where’s Chan hyung?” Felix’s words shook.

“Felix, we have to tell the-”

“Jisung, where is Chan?” Felix shouted, speaking in English.

“We-”

“Where. Is. Chan?” Felix demanded, coming into the room and frantically looking around. When he saw just how much blood there was, his knees gave out.

“We have to get back. If anyone is going to know anything, it’s the manager.” Jisung tried to reason, but his mind was spinning.

Chan tried to kill himself. But why?

Chan had to write an apology. But why?

Chan was missing. But why?

Why was this happening?

Why?

Jisung and Felix ran as fast as they could back to the dorms, not stopping for anything. The only thing going through Jisung’s head was one word, over and over.

Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean for this fic to get so... dark, but when I'm writing I have a faint plot in mind and I go with the flow... this just happened to be what flowed out?   
> As much as I say this, I really don't plan for this being a long fic. Hopefully the next chapter will wrap everything up neatly.  
> I'm excited to write more for Stray Kids, especially with their new mini album coming out!


	3. Chapter 3

Chan was angry.

Not at anyone around him. He tugged on the restraints holding his arms to the bed gently. He was mad at himself. How, after so long of holding out, could he have been so weak as to go this far? He remembered everything, and the shame made his ears burn. He sent the email with the apology and just… snapped.

He cut for the first time in almost three years and went too far. He remembered feeling foggy and dizzy as he walked to Jae’s dorm. He couldn’t go back to his own. He couldn’t let the others see him like that. He remembered Jae’s face when the older boy opened the door. He remembered how desperate he sounded when he yelled at someone to call an ambulance.

Jae wasn’t there now. No one was. The hospital room was oddly silent, even the heart monitor ran in silence. He looked around and saw balloons already tied to a large stuffed bear sitting in the seat meant for guests. Chan’s stomach sank. The bear was holding a card, and even at a distance he would recognize that handwriting anywhere.

So they knew. The knowledge didn’t upset Chan as much as he thought it would. His members knew he was in the hospital, and if they knew he was there they might know WHY he was there as well.

Because he tried to kill himself.

Well, not really, but that’s what it looks like.

Was he trying to kill himself? Chan didn’t even know. He hadn’t been planning on it when it was happening, he was just trying to punish himself for making such a huge mistake. He wasn’t actively trying to kill himself, but as he stared at the bear he wondered if maybe dying would have been the right thing to do.

The door opened and a nurse came in. She was wearing colorful scrubs and looked very tired. Her eyebrows shot to her hairline when she saw him awake and looking around.

“Good to see you’re up,” She said warmly. “We’ll remove the restraints after you speak with the doctor, okay? I know they aren’t comfortable honey… Let me get your vitals and I can help you sit up, okay?” Chan nodded.

She went about, taking his blood pressure and temperature. She even took two vials of blood, but Chan didn’t even flinch. He never had any problem with needles. After she finished writing on her chart, she placed the clipboard down and went over to Chan.

“Alright, let’s get you sitting up,” She said, and Chan noted that she reminded him of his mom almost. The nurse fiddled with the bed for a moment and Chan felt himself rising until he was in a sitting position. “Is there anything you need hon?”

“Is- did anyone come?” His throat felt dry, but not overly painful which he was grateful for.

“There’s been people asking to see you since you were brought in,” The nurse said with a small smile. “We couldn’t let anyone in because none of them were direct family, but now that you’re awake we can allow visitors.”

“Yes please.” Chan said, feeling small. The nurse nodded and left with a smile.

What was going to happen? Where they going to be mad at him? Kick him out of the band? He was sure they already heard about the song scandal, so maybe they’ll regret him not finishing the job. He was just being a burden on them after all.

A knock came from the door.

Their manager poked his head in and smiled softly. Chan could hear voices outside the door, but only the manager slipped in. He gently moved the bear and sat next to Chan’s bed. Neither of them spoke for a moment. Chan looked at the man with a heavy heart. Their manager did so much for them, and he let him down.

“Chan,” the man started, sounding old. “I…”

“I’m sorry…” thick, hot tears bubbled down Chan’s face. He couldn’t bring himself to look at his manager, so he closed his eyes, but the tears kept escaping anyway. “I’m so, so sorry… please don’t- I’m sorry…”

“Hey! Don’t apologize, please,” His manager sounded upset. “I’m the one who should be sorry. You told me about your depression, but I never checked up on you. I never made sure you were okay. When I heard you were with Jae and the others, finally sleeping, I thought you were getting better. I’m sorry I let myself ignore you Chan.”

“It’s not your fault hyung,” Chan sniffled sadly. “I didn’t want anyone to think I was weak… or broken.”

“You aren’t weak or broken, you’re hurting,” The man took Chan’s hand, which was still bound to the bed. “Look, everyone’s here, but it’s up to you if you want them to come in or not. I understand if you say no. You’ve been through a lot and you’re probably exhausted.”

“They can come in,” Chan said after a moment of silence. “If I say no, they’ll just get more restless. I know my boys.” He smiled a fraction.

“Alright, give me a second to wrangle them together,” The manager stood and smoothed down Chan’s hair. “I’m really proud of you Chan. You could have given up, but here you are. You’ve always been a fighter.”

“Thank you hyung.” Chan didn’t want to cry anymore but he felt more heat drop from his eyes anyway. The older man smiled and slipped from the room. Chan was left in silence again, and it was starting to make his skin crawl. He didn’t want to be in the hospital anymore. He wanted to be back in his studio. He wanted to be at the dorms. He wanted to be anywhere but where he was, but he knew he was stuck.

The door opened again. Woojin was the first to stick his head in. When he saw Chan smile, he opened the door a little more. The other seven filed in quietly and stood awkwardly around the room. No one spoke for a moment.

“I bet the janitors weren’t very happy with me.” Chan said weakly, in hopes of getting a smile. It worked - Minho fought back a smirk, but other than that his joke fell flat.

“We were really worried hyung,” Jisung said, sounding like he was about to cry. Judging by the redness of his eyes, he had already been crying. It was all Chan’s fault. “We thought- thought you were going to leave us.”

The conversation he and Jisung had under the rock wall at the park came rushing back and Chan thought he was going to throw up. Jisung fiddled with his sleeves and looked at the floor. Jisung thought Chan tried to leave him, and Chan was scared.

“I wasn’t trying to-” he cut himself off, unable to say the words with his members there. He just couldn’t. “It was an accident… I never wanted to leave you guys.”

“So you weren’t trying to kill yourself?” Jeongin said blunty, causing everyone to flinch a little. He noticed and scowled a little. “You’ve all been acting like it’s some sort of crime… having depression doesn’t make someone a criminal. Trying to kill yourself doesn’t mean you’re some sort of freak. I’m sick of everyone treating this like it’s- like it’s some sort of unspeakable thing… our hyung is hurting and no one wants to talk about it! Maybe it really is our fault that this happened…” His voice had started to rise, only to drop as he trailed off. Tears were staining his sweater.

“Jeongin…” Minho said quietly, taking the maknae’s hand.

“Jeongin, it’s not your fault,” Chan said evenly. The last thing he wanted was his members blaming themselves. “I… guess I just broke down… I never meant for it to be so bad.”

“They have you on suicide watch hyung.” Felix said gruffly, his already deep voice even deeper.

“I figured,” Chan sighed and wished he could brush his bangs from his face. “I’m all strapped down to bed and everything. Hopefully I’ll be home soon though.

Don’t worry about me, okay?”

“Idiot hyung, of course we’re going to worry.” Seungmin whined, looking at the floor. He was trying to not cry, and the sight broke Chan’s heart.

“I’m awake now, and I’ll work extra hard to recover so I can come home soon, okay? I need everyone to take care of themselves when I’m gone.” Chan was already worrying. Were they going to eat enough? Who was going to make sure everyone was okay? He didn’t want to put that pressure on Woojin.

“Why don’t we let Chan sleep?” The manager asked from the doorway. He wanted to give the boys more time, but he could see how tired Chan looked. “We can visit again in the morning.”

The members started walking out, each one with some complaint or another. None of them wanted to leave their leader, but they understood that if they wanted Chan back home, they had to let him rest and recover.

“Jisung, wait.” Chan called, just as the other rapper was about to leave. He looked back to Chan, then to the manager who nodded and held up his hand. Five minutes.

“What’s up hyung?” He tried to sound casual but Chan could hear the undercurrent of tension.

“I just… I swear Jisung. I swear on whatever you want me to… I didn’t try to-to leave you. I would never do that to you,” Chan’s voice cracked but he didn’t stop. “I swear… I love you guys too much to do that to you…”

“I believe you hyung,” Jisung wouldn’t look a him. “I just want you to get better.”

“Jisung, why won’t you look at me?” Chan asked, watching as the younger boy’s eyes widen at being called out.

“Hyung I-” He looked up at Chan, but the second they made eye contact Jisung broke. He started sobbing, holding his arm close to his body as he cried. “I’m so sorry hyung. You were right… it didn’t help! It just hurt! It hurt so much! I just wanted something to make it go away but it- it made everything worse!”

“Jisung…” Chan’s heart broke. He was the reason Jisung tried to hurt himself, and that was a fact he would have to live with for the rest of his life. “Come here.”

Chan wasn’t able to hold Jisung like he wanted to, but Jisung was able to curl up against him which seemed to bring the younger rapper some comfort. The manager poked his head in, but seeing how Jisung was sobbing into Chan’s chest, he let the door close again.

“Can I see your arm?” He asked Jisung softly. The boy froze, sniffling and trembling, but eventually nodded. He sat up and rolled his sleeve up.

There were five lines on his arm, right below his elbow. They were still red and angry, and Chan felt his own arm throb in sympathy. The lines on Jisung’s arms weren’t papercuts, like he started with. They had to have bled quite a bit judging on how they were scabbing. Chan felt tears threatening to fall.

“Oh love…” He whispered. “I’m so sorry… I should have been there to help you…”

“It’s not your fault hyung,” Jisung disagreed, but Chan knew. He knew it was his fault. “I snuck out and got this oil that’s supposed to help get rid of scars, so as soon as they heal more I’m going to start using it…”

“Jisung come here,” Chan asked, wishing once again that the damn restraints were gone. Jisung came over, almost crawling over Chan’s lap. Chan reached and placed a soft kiss to the boy’s forehead. “It’s going to be okay. I promise. As soon as I’m home, we can talk and everything will be better.”

“You’re not going to tell manager hyung?” Jisung sat up suddenly, looking at Chan like a scared rabbit.

“Look, I know how scary it is to be paranoid that everyone it going to find out,” Chan started soothingly. “When I get out, I’m going to help you with this okay? We’re going to have a long talk, and we’re going to talk about what to do when you start to feel overwhelmed. I’m going to check your arms and legs to make sure you’re okay, and as long as we can work through this together, I won’t tell anyone else, alright?”

“I don’t deserve you hyung,” Jisung sniffled, silent tears running down his round cheeks. “You’re so smart and nice and I’m just a huge fuck up-”

“Hey, none of that,” Chan interrupted the other boy, refusing to listen to lies for even a second. “You are NOT a fuck up, do you hear me? Just because we make mistakes doesn’t mean we ourselves are mistakes.”

“Please come home soon,” Jisung wiped his face only to sob again. “We need you back… I need you back hyung… nothing’s the same without you…”

“I’ll be home soon, I promise,” Chan wanted to rip the restrains off and comfort his friend, but he couldn’t. He was trapped. “Just.. take care of the others, yeah? Make sure they’re eating and… and are okay. You’re so strong Jisung, I believe in you. I’m so, so proud of you.”

“I will hyung,” Jisung sniffled and smiled softly. “We’ll be back tomorrow, so rest up and be okay.”

“Of course.” Chan grinned, and for the first time since waking up he felt fire in his stomach again.

* * *

  
Chan decided that this was so much worse than the hospital.

He wasn’t bound to his bed anymore, but he wasn’t allowed visitors for the week and it was driving him insane. He tried to understand why - he was being monitored for side effects for the medications they had him on - but he was restless. Everyone had come to visit at some point when he was in the hospital itself. Jae and the rest of his members stopped by, but their visit wasn’t what Jae had been planning. It was obvious the older idol was irritated that he couldn’t speak to Chan alone.

Now he really was alone. He had his own private room, most likely because of JYP pulling strings. He was being monitored everywhere - at meals, at therapy, even at the small gym he was allowed to work out at one hour a day. His food intake was monitored and if he had trouble sleeping they gave him something that knocked him out.

Despite being restless, Chan felt better. He was finally eating normally so he had actual energy, not manufactured energy from copious amount of coffee. He was sleeping normally, and for the first time in what felt like years he felt awake - he didn’t dread being up and about. The medication was starting to help too. It was slow, but he found it was easier to think through his bad thoughts. Before, these thoughts would consume him until he had a panic attack, but now he could logically think through everything, which helped fight off the panic.

He was getting better, but all he wanted was his members. He wanted his family.

“You should be good to go home by the end of the week,” The doctor said, shocking Chan. “You’ve worked very hard to recover. I’m sure your friends will be happy to have you back.”

“I can really go home?” Chan felt a tear slip down his cheek. He didn’t cry much, especially not at the hospital. The only time this doctor had seen him cry was when Chan saw his arm under the bandages for the first time. Chan had been horrified at how mutilated his skin had looked, with dark stitches holding the cuts together and hideous bruising around each line, the purples and blues and yellows making a sick painting on his skin.

“We’ll contact your manager and get the paperwork ready. By Friday you’ll be home Chan.” The doctor smiled as Chan grinned through his tears.

He was going home.

* * *

  
“It’s been a while.” Jae said warmly as Chan sat across from him. The elder idol had been trying to get Chan to go get dinner with him for days, but the time after being released was hectic for the Australian boy. He had meetings, therapy, make up practices and of course he was spending as much time with his members as possible.

“Yeah…” Chan didn’t know what to say. He had only spoken to Jae once since he woke up in the hospital, and that was the usual ‘how are you-good-that’s good’ cookie cutter script. The other members of Day6 had come as well, and didn’t seem to get Jae’s hint that they should leave them alone for a few minutes, so he and Chan weren’t really able to talk things out in the hospital.

“You’re looking better,” Jae takes a sip of water. The waitress came over and took their drink orders before disappearing again. “Glad to see some color back in your face. You looked like a ghost before.”

“Yeah, well that’s what happens when you have a semi normal sleep schedule and actually eat regularly,” Chan chuckled. “Turns out, you were right. Those things actually do help.”

“Glad to see someone taking my advice,” Jae smiled at the younger boy. “Wish the rest of my members would do the same. They think I’m some sort of idiot half the time but I’m smart, I swear.”

“I know you are hyung. I think you’re really smart…” Chan’s leader instincts started to kick in when he heard the way Jae’s members thought of him. Jae was so smart and talented, and even if they were joking his members should do what they can to make him feel appreciated. Chan hoped his members never felt the way Jae did. He hoped he was doing a good enough job as leader, so that everyone felt loved and appreciated.

“Hey, no need for such a long face!” Jae said, startling Chan from his thoughts. “As long as I got dongsaengs like you to look after me, I’m golden.”

“Are you ready to order?” The waitress came back with their drink and the boys nod, telling her what they wanted. She wrote it down with a nod before leaving them again. They sat in silence for a moment before Jae spoke again.

“What I said earlier,” He said, his voice slightly lower than before. “When I said you were looking better. I meant your eyes too. They have more… life in them, if that makes sense. You looked so dead before everything happened… you looked like you were about to give up. Seeing you with this new fire really makes me feel better.”

“Well, the therapy is helping,” Chan said easily. He wasn’t ashamed to say he went to a therapist. He got over that anxiety back home, the first time he went. “The… medication is helping too. Woojin is good at making sure I don’t miss it.”

“I know it can be scary, but there’s nothing wrong with having medication to help with stuff like this,” Jae took a sip of his drink. “It’s like taking painkillers for a headache.”

“Yeah, that’s what the others keep saying,” Chan sighed and ran a hand through his bangs. “It’s still something I’m getting used to though.”

“And that’s okay. It’s alright to take some time to adjust,” Jae smiled at Chan in a way that really made Chan believe him. “No one is going to expect you be better at the drop of a hat. These things take time and effort and patience.”

“Thank you, for understanding and caring,” Chan blinked away the burn of his eyes. “I also wanted to apologize… for going to your dorm that day. You shouldn't have had to deal with me-”

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Jae put his cup down and looked at Chan seriously. “Chan, you realize if you hadn’t come to the dorm you probably would have died, right? The only reason we were able to get you to the hospital in time is because you came to us.”

“I guess I never thought of it that way…” Chan muttered, feeling almost scolded. He only saw what he did as a burden on the others. He never thought of what would have happened to him if he had stayed in his studio.

“Look. recovery is a long, bumpy ass road. There are going to be trick curves and you’re going to fall and it’s going to hurt, but you can’t blame yourself. All you can do if get back up, heal and keep going. If you fall, you’re not allowed to blame yourself, okay?”

“Okay…” Chan said weakly. He didn’t want to argue with Jae, but he genuinely felt that if he relapsed again it would be his fault for being weak.

“I’m serious Chan. If you ever feel like you’re about to trip, or if you already tripped and you need help getting on your feet again, come find me. I’ll never be too busy for my little brother.”

“Ah, okay.” Chan couldn’t help the warm smile that tugged at his lips.

“Now, are you feeling desert?”

“Hyung, we just ordered dinner. We haven’t even eaten yet.”

“Yeah, but it’s good to plan ahead!”

* * *

  
“Hyung, is everything alright?” Jisung squinted into the darkness. Ever since Chan came home from the hospital, everyone - including the staff and managers - gave him a curfew. He couldn’t be at the studio past eleven, to prevent him from overworking himself and forcing himself to a breaking point again.  
Jisung had woken up and realized he was about to die of thirst, so he crept from his room towards the kitchen when a sound made him jump. It wasn’t loud, but it was obvious that Chan was trying to stay as silent as possible. The older boy was on the couch, sitting in the dark, not talking.

“Chan hyung?” Jisung tried again, forgetting his original mission in favor of creeping through the dark, using his hands to make sure he didn’t run into anything. “Are you okay?”

“What are you doing awake?” Chan sounded like he had been crying.

“I was going to get a drink but I heard something… Is there anything I can get you?”

“Can you sit with me?” Chan asked, sounding younger than Jisung. The younger rapper was shocked for a moment - he couldn’t remember a single time his leader asked something from him, or any of the members for that matter. He had always, frustratingly, wanted to deal with everything on his own.

“Yeah, of course,” Jisung moved and sat on the couch, close enough to Chan to feel his warmth but not touching him. “Do you want to talk about it?”  
Jisung remembered what their manager told them, just before Chan came home. He was going to reserved, especially when he was feeling down, but they needed to make sure he didn’t close everyone out again. They had to make sure Chan knew they were there for him.

“... hurts…” Chan muttered, curling into Jisung’s side. The younger boy instantly held his leader closely, feeling Chan’s breath on his chest through his thin shirt.

“What hurts?”

“Everything…” Chan said before shaking his head a little. “My arm… it itches and I want to just…”

“Is the itching from the stiches? Or because you want to… you know?” Jisung didn’t know how delicate to be about this. He remembered Chan telling him back at the playground that there was an itch that was because of his addiction to the pain.

“Both, I think,” Chan whispered softly. Jisung could feel him trembling slightly. “The cuts are healing, so they itch… but there’s something else. I just want to rip the stitches out and- and slice my arm open and watch myself bleed out… I thought I was over this. I was, for three whole years but… but after what happened it’s like everything is back even stronger. The itch, the need to hurt myself… it’s too much. I can’t stop thinking about how- how much better I would feel if I just gave in… the itch would go away and I would be able to focus again, but I can’t… and it’s f-frustrating...”

“It’s okay Channie hyung,” Jisung pulled Chan up so he was resting his head on the younger boy’s chest. Chan’s curls tickled the underside of Jisung’s chin.

“You’re so strong hyung. Everyone can see how hard you’re working to get better. We’re so, so proud of you. You’re doing so well.”

Jisung kept rambling on, telling Chan how strong and amazing he was as he felt his shirt start to soak up the older boy’s tears. Chan sobbed into Jisung’s chest, letting out everything he had been trying to bottle up. The younger boy never stopped rubbing his back and whispering praises to him.

Eventually, Chan stopped crying. Jisung could feel his even breathing and knew he had fallen asleep. His arm was numb from where it was pinned under Chan’s body, but he refused to move incase he accidentally woke the older boy up.

Jisung settled down and rested his cheek against the top of Chan’s head and let himself drift to sleep, the rhythm of Chan’s steady breathing like a lullaby.

* * *

  
Woojin woke up and glanced over at Chan’s bed out of habit. It took him a second to realize the mattress was empty. In an instant, the eldest was falling out of his own bed and sprinting out of his room. His only thought was to find Chan, a secondary thought being he needed to find their manager, who would be able to find Chan.

He came to a stop in front of the living room, where he could see a head of hair peeking over the back. He walked over, his socked feet making no sound as he moved, and saw Jisung and Chan still curled up on the couch. Jisung’s shirt was wrinkled, as if it had gotten wet and dried overnight, and Chan’s cheeks were still tacky.

Woojin shook his head, his heartbeat finally starting to calm. He walked over and grabbed a blanket off the other chair, carefully covering the two sleeping boys with it. He smiled down at them again before going to the kitchen. He was awake, and after the scare he experienced he knew he wasn’t going to be able to fall back asleep.

He made a cup of tea and watched the sun rise through the kitchen window. Just as the beams of light were starting to shine through the kitchen, he heard soft footsteps coming up behind him. Turning, he saw a sleepy Chan, who was rubbing his eyes and yawning.

“Morning Woojin,” He said, his voice rough. “How long have you been up?”

“Not long,” he said honestly. “I woke up and wasn’t able to go back to sleep. How long were you on the couch?”

“All night I think,” Chan grabbed his favorite mug and started making himself a cup of coffee. While it was brewing, he sipped at a glass of water - the doctor told him to have one cup of water for every cup of coffee he drank. “I don’t really remember Jisung sitting with me, but I definitely slept better with him there.”

“I’m glad you’re opening up a little more,” Woojin said, hoping he wasn’t going to send Chan back into himself. “We love you, you know. We’re here if you ever need to talk, or just want someone to nap on.”

“I know, and I love you too,” Chan smiled softly, his cheeks puffing up in that way that Woojin hadn’t seen in months. Chan really did look best with a round cheeks, Woojin decided. “I’ll take you up on that offer later though. I’m definitely going to need a nap, and I remember someone saying that sleeping with someone is the best way to fall asleep.” His grin softened, and both boys basked in the warmth of the morning sun, filled with the knowledge that things really were going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap on this one! I adore Stray Kids, so I'm definitely going to write more for them in the future, but I already have a few ideas lined up in the meantime. I felt kinds bad for putting Chan through so much crap, but I knew in the end it was going to be okay. I always write a happy ending because I'm painfully aware that in real life, that isn't always the case. We can't always have a happy ending, so I write them out. 
> 
> Thank you everyone who read and commented and left kudos. The validation is so pure... so organic. But in all seriousness, thank you. I have few healthy coping mechanisms, and seeing that real people are out there, actually liking my writing, really makes this one feel like it's working. 
> 
> Until next time,  
> Starlight~

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to write a Stray Kids fic for a while now. I actually have an unfinished one in my google docs that I wasn't happy with. Maybe one day I'll go back and finish it.  
> This will hopefully be a quick fic. The next chapter is going to have Jae helping Chan open up and trust his members. I hope to write more for Stray Kids, so please look forward to that!


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